I was out at the playground with Ms Frog when I ran into another mom I know from the neighborhood. She said she was looking into daycare for her daughter who is around the toad's age and asked what we were doing. I said that she had just started and that we all love her school. We then talked for a while about different daycares and preschools in the neighborhood while making sure our kids weren't getting into any lethal trouble. She then asked what our hours were at school and whether there was some flexibility. I said that Ms Frog is there full-time, but that there is the option of a shorter day and/or fewer days per week. She replied that the shorter day option is still too long for her. Here's where I could have changed the subject, but I didn't.
I asked her why she felt that way and she answered that it's too long a day for a small child. Again, I should have nodded, smiled, and changed the subject. Instead I asked her how she felt about that for families that don't have a choice. She acknowledged that she was coming at this issue from a privileged position as someone who can afford to stay home, but said she understood even though she felt bad for the kids. Once again, this was my cue to either run away or change the subject. I couldn't resist and asked how she felt about a situation where both parents care about their careers. She replied verbatim that "those people really shouldn't have children".
Oh no, she didn't... Dear readers, I assure you, she did. I really wanted to go white trash on her or mention that I feel bad for the children of helicopter parents even though I understand the situation. I took a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and did none of the above. I looked her in the eye and said in my stern mommy voice that my husband and I care deeply about our work and our little girl is proof we're doing something right. She tried to backpedal, but the words had already come out. Maybe I shouldn't have fed the troll, but my actions didn't change what this lady feels in her heart. This makes me more upset than angry. I've said it before and I'll say it again that it really upsets me how much women tend to hate on each other. It's so much worse when the women doing the hating are mothers; doubly so when they're mothers of daughters. We're all trying to be the best wives, moms, and friends that we can be in the way that makes sense for us. My way is probably not someone else's and it's upsetting that some women honestly believe that others who make different choices are the enemy without thinking about the reasons behind those choices.
I was much more judgmental before the toad entered my life, but have backed off considerably because I see the responsibility I have as the mother of a daughter to teach her to support rather than condemn other women. I've learned a lot from peers and elders who have or are making different choices from mine. My closest women friends and I don't always see eye-to-eye and while we may engage in some heated debates, a spirit of mutual respect prevails and we [mostly] come away having learned something. I've also learned quite a bit in talking to people who aren't close that have different ideas. I want my daughter to grow up to be someone who can learn from differences instead of condemning them. Seeing her mom, her elders, or her aunties approach difference with reason and understanding instead of judgement may help her learn this. Had I gone white trash and given that lady on the playground a piece of my mind, this lesson would have been lost. I might not have learned something feel-good here, but this situation reinforced something I learned from a very dear friend; judge not lest ye be judged.
