There has never been a time in my adult life when I have not worried about my weight and size with the exception of a brief period in my mid-20s when I was miserable, ate my misery, and got fat. Since then, I've forbidden myself all sorts of delicious things in the interest of keeping thin from the more predictable sweets and fried food to random things such as potatoes or bananas. My most recent bit of crazy was to obsessively count calories and log miles while training for a half marathon. It worked and I got lighter and lighter to the point that I got close to my pre-college weight. I was happy with the way I looked, conveniently forgetting how unhealthy I was at that time in my life. I kept logging those miles and counting those calories until halfway through marathon training when my hair started falling out. In giant chunks. My thinking around food started getting really strange to the point that I noticed the "you're crazy" glazed-over look when the subject came up around friends. I freaked out, stepped off the ledge, and took off the gorilla suit; that's to say, I started eating like a normal person again. I quickly gained 5 pounds and felt stronger on my long runs. I felt burnt out on running after the marathon and took a break while still eating like a normal human. This added another 5 pounds, bringing me back to my "regular" post-kiddo weight and size.
My goal this year is to flip 40 the bird and do a half ironman. I want to start the season off with a half marathon because I find that running is the best (read most enjoyable) way for me to get to the baseline level of fitness I need to start training. I started running again and felt the extra weight like a millstone around my behind. So I began obsessively counting calories and logging miles like I hadn't learned anything from the previous mishap. Then I weighed myself about a month into this nonsense and saw to my absolute horror that I gained weight. Strangely, this hasn't brought me to a place of needing to double down, but a place of f*ck it. I don't need to deprive myself of all unhealthy delicious food to be the size I was half a lifetime ago. Also, let's be real. I wear a size 6 and weigh somewhere between 125 and 130. That's average, not fat. Furthermore, why do I need to bring an unhealthy fixation with food and weight into a house with a young girl. That's another legacy from my mom that I really don't need to pass on. I want the frog to enjoy food and to eat mostly healthy things in mostly moderate amounts. I want her to share a meal with friends or bake without anxiety about the consequences. I want her to see excersize as a source of peace and joy rather than a justification for that slice of cake. The truth is that I'm physically stronger than my 20 year old self who could never have done a half marathon, let alone a marathon. There's no way she could attempt that half ironman. I'm not size of 20 year old me, but I could clean her clock in a fight, provided that it involved running a long distance very slowly.
I think this is hard to do because of the legion of messages in our culture that women of a certain age, which is sadly where I find myself, should strive for the impossible goal of eternal youth. That we're unattractive with grey in our hair or at a larger size than pre-kiddos or whatever else life threw us. I read somewhere that women reach peak strength and endurance in their late 30s to early 40s. This is likely junk given my limited knowledge of how aging works, but I'm tempted to step into a Goop-style alternate reality to believe it. What I do know, based on actual science is that women derive a huge cardiovascular, immune, and bone health benefit from being endurance freaks. I also know, again, based on science, that running reduces depression and anxiety and has even been shown to reduce the risk of dementia. I want the frog to see me being strong and enjoying food rather than obsessing about my weight. I'm really hoping my resolve to stop thinking about my weight lasts because I'm much happier this way. Also, not thinking about weight does not mean eating Dorito tacos and baking endless cakes. It means eating mostly healthy food in mostly reasonable quantities so that I can train for whatever crazy race I'm doing.
