Women, STEM careers, and the outrage of the month

Seems like every week there's an new story in the news, viral video, blog post, etc about sexism in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) fields and how that's a barrier for girls and young women in entering these fields.  Over the summer it was a poorly timed prank at a tech conference and more recently it was internet buzz over a really cool building toy aimed at girls. Regardless of content, it seems like there's always predictable outrage from some quarters about how the over-arching culture in tech fields is a misogynous one and how this, rather than more logical reasons make many tech fields a boys' club.  With apologies to my more liberal and/or feminist friends, this is a load of hogwash.  I agree that male geeks can be quite sexist and nasty about women, both intentionally and unintentionally.  I've experienced this kind of hate and imagine that all my geek sisters have had similar awkward experiences.  However, this is where I diverge from lockstep feminist/liberal thinking in that I refuse to feel victimized by stupid, rude, and/or unprofessional behavior. In encouraging me to feel threatened, I believe this line of thinking gives this behavior more bandwidth than it deserves.

Let me clarify.  Let's say a group of dudes with more brains than common sense says or does something unprofessional.  This unprofessional behavior somehow gets documented and goes viral. Instead of mocking it and moving on, there is likely to be some chatter about how women in tech fields must feel so marginalized. That and the idea that tech workplaces are hotbeds of misogyny seem to crop up at the slightest provocation like a bedbug infestation in a New York hotel. This makes me mad both because it's wrong and insulting. Most male nerds or geeks I've gotten to know through work are among the least racist/sexist/homophobic/classist people I've met either because they simply don't care or because they know what it's like to be hated for irrational reasons. Also, I resent the implication that I should feel marginalized or oppressed when I don't. The barrier to entry for any hardcore tech field is education and most white middle class women like me have had access to the same educational opportunities as their male peers. I don't think I need to be crying oppressed when there are tons of people who ARE denied access to these opportunities because of how they look or the circumstances in which they are born. I suppose I see the "sexism in tech fields" media chatter as manufactured outrage when there are real issues to be angry about. 

Also, I don't like the implication that I'm so fragile emotionally to allow someone acting like an idiot stand between me and my goals. Women, especially female geeks and nerds are a tough breed.  As a nerdy kid I definitely felt marginalized because my interests (anthropology, medicinal plants, sci-fi, and the Black Death) were way outside mainstream "girl" interests of the late 80s/early 90s.  As a young woman, I experienced a bit of sexism here and there, but having an awesome female mentor during grad school kept that to a minimum.  I began to experience more of this as my work veered into programming.  Nothing too horrid, but a general feeling that I wasn't considered smart or good at what I do as a default, but that I had to prove myself.  I know that I started dressing more girly at work as a subtle way of thumbing my nose at this.  It stings a little when I meet someone new in a professional setting and have to prove that yes, the lady in a skirt and pearls knows her stuff.  If I were playing into the victim narrative that I feel the left so dearly wants me to adopt, I'd say that I feel marginalized or demeaned.  Thankfully, I have a thicker skin than that.  Anyone who has been called a nerd or a freak as a kid knows how to ignore the silliness and find ways to not let it bother you.

So what do I think is the real culprit here? Why are some tech fields like physics, engineering, or computers/software development, still populated by mostly dudes?  I believe things that cause lots of kids to be turned off of STEM fields tend to affect girls more strongly.  Recent PISA test scores confirm that science education in K-12 is substandard relative to other industrialized countries. There also aren't very many opportunities for kids to explore STEM fields in a fun way and those opportunities tend to be more focused on boys.  Finally, mainstream culture is anti-intellectual in a lot of ways and I think girls feel more pressure to conform in this respect.  Most importantly, I think that race and/or class issues tend to confound gender bias with the net result of fewer girls in tech fields.  That, however, is the subject of a whole other post. 

Best at Exercising?

Ms Frog can play real sports if she wants to; she doesn't have to try to be the best at exercising like her parents (sorry, Kenny Powers).  She's nowhere near old enough to participate in sports, but she will be one day.  Both of us did sports as kids and while I can't speak for my husband, I know I'm better for it.  I swam pretty seriously in high school and I enjoyed it even though I wasn't a super-star by any stretch of the imagination. Swimming taught me to set goals and achieve them through hard work.  I think it also helped me tune out the messages I was receiving from my immediate surroundings about the importance of being pretty above all else.  I wasn't a pretty girl, but being a strong girl went a long way in helping me develop some much-needed self confidence.  Ms Frog is a very pretty girl, but regardless, I see confidence in one's strength as the root to a positive self-image.  It's a short leap from "I can climb that tree" or "I can run fast" to "I'm smart enough to do X" or "I'm good enough to deserve Y".  This doesn't have an age limit and is equally applicable to a small child, teen, or adult woman.  Being fit and training for my increasingly crazy races gives me confidence in both personal and professional situations.  Likewise, Ms Frog stood up taller the day she kicked a ball or did a somersault for the first time. 

The other really important thing I learned from sports is that sometimes your best simply isn't good enough.  I remember how rotten it was to get a bad time or have my school team lose a meet.  Since I was a teenager, I'd go home thinking it was the end of the world.  The next morning, I would (usually) wake up and vow to work harder in practice or take more time to help a team-mate so this wouldn't happen next time.  I've experienced some bumps in the road during my adult life and I know there were points I would have given up on various things if I hadn't learned from sports to keep trying even if it's tough.  We tell Ms Frog to shake it off or that she's tough when she gets hurt.  When she's bigger, I imagine we'll tell her to keep at it if a game, meet, or other sports event doesn't go her way. 

A bargain for whom?

I'm going to take a break from my usual mom-themed posts to talk about why I buy the majority of my clothes from thrift stores and yard sales even though I can afford to do otherwise.  The recent collapse of the clothing factory in Bangladesh where 400+ people died due to shoddy construction and other safety violations (see www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-22364891) has brought the issue of the human cost of cheap fashion back into public consciousness. So yes, that great shirt you found for next to nothing at H&M probably came from a factory very much like this one.  I could go on to bemoan the consumerist nature of fashion and scold people for buying into this, but why? I don't have a problem with wanting to look good, follow trends, etc.  What I do have a problem with is doing this at the expense of someone's right to safe working conditions (preferably) at a living wage.  This especially angers me when the cost of improving factory safety to conform with legal standards in a particular country is often pennies to the shopper.  A bargain brand's price is its main selling point, and these brands rightly assume that shoppers will go elsewhere if they have to pay a bit more.  For every person like me that says "no thanks", there are hundreds of others who want that bargain and really don't care why it's so cheap.

So then why bother? Normally, I would agree.  I tend to prefer to be an informed observer about social/political issues that I care about because I recognize that there are very few things I can do about them.   With apologies to my more politically active friends, I believe that activism is largely a gathering of like-minded souls and rarely yields any tangible results.  I say "rarely" instead of "never" because my friends' determination and committment has shown that it sometimes works so I do sip that haterade less frequently.  I think this is an issue where people can actually do something although I'm under no illusions that my decision not to shop at Target, H&M, etc will force these brands to change their wicked ways. By buying clothes at Goodwill, a consignment shop, etc, I'm not contributing to the problem.  Plus, it saves lots of money, and I'd rather put the money I would spend on a new piece of clothing towards our mortgage, my daughter's college, etc.  There are some things that are gross or impractical to buy used.  Also, not everyone likes to grub around thrift stores and/or feels ok wearing used clothes.  I think these are situations where someone can and should become part of the solution which is to buy from brands that use fair and safe labor practices.  Major bargain labels won't die if you opt out, but individuals can make a difference for these smaller guys.  Supporting a smaller or mid-sized ethical brand can help it grow into something like American Apparel, which can/does attract buyers away from the major offenders. 

I'll end with this website/blog that has resources to help find things made in the US (www.usalovelist.com) as well as a plug for American Apparel, Fluevogs, Doc Martens, and thrift stores.  Hope y'all think about this and see you at Goodwill!

Oh no, you didn't..

I was out at the playground with Ms Frog when I ran into another mom I know from the neighborhood.  She said she was looking into daycare for her daughter who is around the toad's age and asked what we were doing.  I said that she had just started and that we all love her school.  We then talked for a while about different daycares and preschools in the neighborhood while making sure our kids weren't getting into any lethal trouble.  She then asked what our hours were at school and whether there was some flexibility.  I said that Ms Frog is there full-time, but that there is the option of a shorter day and/or fewer days per week.  She replied that the shorter day option is still too long for her.  Here's where I could have changed the subject, but I didn't.

I asked her why she felt that way and she answered that it's too long a day for a small child.  Again, I should have nodded, smiled, and changed the subject.  Instead I asked her how she felt about that for families that don't have a choice.  She acknowledged that she was coming at this issue from a privileged position as someone who can afford to stay home, but said she understood even though she felt bad for the kids.  Once again, this was my cue to either run away or change the subject.  I couldn't resist and asked how she felt about a situation where both parents care about their careers.  She replied verbatim that "those people really shouldn't have children".

Oh no, she didn't... Dear readers, I assure you, she did.  I really wanted to go white trash on her or mention that I feel bad for the children of helicopter parents even though I understand the situation.  I took a deep breath, looked at my daughter, and did none of the above.  I looked her in the eye and said in my stern mommy voice that my husband and I care deeply about our work and our little girl is proof we're doing something right.  She tried to backpedal, but the words had already come out.  Maybe I shouldn't have fed the troll, but my actions didn't change what this lady feels in her heart.  This makes me more upset than angry.  I've said it before and I'll say it again that it really upsets me how much women tend to hate on each other.  It's so much worse when the women doing the hating are mothers; doubly so when they're mothers of daughters.  We're all trying to be the best wives, moms, and friends that we can be in the way that makes sense for us.  My way is probably not someone else's and it's upsetting that some women honestly believe that others who make different choices are the enemy without thinking about the reasons behind those choices.

I was much more judgmental before the toad entered my life, but have backed off considerably because I see the responsibility I have as the mother of a daughter to teach her to support rather than condemn other women.  I've learned a lot from peers and elders who have or are making different choices from mine.  My closest women friends and I don't always see eye-to-eye and while we may engage in some heated debates, a spirit of mutual respect prevails and we [mostly] come away having learned something.  I've also learned quite a bit in talking to people who aren't close that have different ideas.  I want my daughter to grow up to be someone who can learn from differences instead of condemning them.  Seeing her mom, her elders, or her aunties approach difference with reason and understanding instead of judgement may help her learn this.  Had I gone white trash and given that lady on the playground a piece of my mind, this lesson would have been lost.  I might not have learned something feel-good here, but this situation reinforced something I learned from a very dear friend; judge not lest ye be judged.