A case of mistaken identity

"Is that your child?"  " Are you the nanny?" My favorite has to be "where did you adopt her from?" I've been asked these questions more frequently than I'd like to admit when I'm out with the frog. I used to have snappy come-backs like "I got her from Costco but she ate all the other babies."  Or I'd go creepy and say "I gave birth to her, wanna see my C-section scar?" Occasionally I'd even try to be nice and say "her daddy is Korean and I'm Jewish."  I quickly got tired of the game and stopped responding. My strategy is now to affirm Ms Frog is my daughter before beating a hasty retreat. The mistaken identity thing happened again recently. We went to go check out the renovated kids' section at the central library. The place is awesome with tons of comfy seats to curl up in and a play area with giant model row houses. We were knocking on the doors of two of the houses to deliver pizza to the zombies and their neighbor the bad princess when a well-dressed woman asked me the dreaded question. "Are you the nanny", she asked. I gave her the death stare. She looked taken aback and continued "because if you were, I'd ask you to come work for us." I looked at her again. She didn't  seem to want to leave it alone and asked me "is that your daughter?" I honestly wanted to ask her whether it was my race, the lack of make-up or expensive jewelry, or both that prompted the question. I didn't because as I've mentioned, the game has gotten old. I said "yes" and was really proud of myself for not adding "bitch." She looked apologetic and responded "she's beautiful" but the clear subtext was "I wonder where her daddy is from." 

We went to bang on some doors at the other side of the play area, but the trip was spoiled for me. I told my husband about the whole thing later that evening and he laughed. I didn't think it was funny and told him as much. He looked at me quizzically and told me that it wasn't a big deal and to not let it get to me. This last comment brought home to me that he's been dealing with this sort of low-grade nastiness his entire life. His first experiences with microaggressions were kids in his school challenging him to use his kung fu or making fun of his eyes. He grew up learning these things were a fact of his life and has evolved layers of strategies to make them funny as opposed to hurtful. My realization that they are a fact of my life has come as an adult with an adult's ability to understand that a childhood free from small, irrational hurts is one of the most insidious forms of white privilege. Through the frog, I've gotten a window into the C.H.U.D.-like behavior of many white people that I'm both glad and sorry to have. I realize intellectually that most of strangers' questions about my relationship to the frog are motivated by curiosity and/or ignorance and are not meant to cause harm. Still, it is not my job to correct someone's ignorance or to teach someone about interracial families. The desire for an explanation or to be "educated" that is implicit in some of the questions about how my daughter and I are related is sometimes as hurtful as the actual question.

 I understand that it's easy to make assumptions and categorize people out of ignorance, especially when someone hasn't been hurt by others' assumptions. However, I fail to understand how it's ok to ask a stranger who is different from you to explain the nature of their difference to you. It's mind-boggling that there are people who actually believe it's something I should be doing. I think that people learn about difference through relationships, whether they are causal interactions between neighbors or bonds with close friends. I find myself wondering if I've been guilty of some of the unintentionally racist behavior that I'm writing about despite having many different kinds of people in my circle of family and friends. I've heard friends talk about their experiences with racism my entire adult life, but didn't have any direct, personal experience with it until my child was born. Now I do and it's an uneasy knowledge. Uneasy because I am always checking myself in an attempt not to be guilty of this. I also realize that my daughter is going to have to deal with these things and I'm not sure how can help her with this. 

Feminism isn't the Toy in the Happy Meal

I find myself having frequent conversations with other moms of girls about the media and the effect it has on our kids. I'm not a fan of the many inappropriate images aimed at girls in media or pop culture, but at best I consider these things to be a nest of red ants rather than a many-headed hydra the size of a city bus. This opinion seems to be a minority one and I oftentimes find myself mentioning that we're both feminists even if we disagree on this particular point. I'm a feminist because I believe that men and women are largely capable of the same things and deserve equal access to the same opportunities. Sadly, the label "feminist" is often assumed to fit into a set of ideas that I don't agree with wholeheartedly. I resisted calling myself a feminist for many years out of a grade-school-like fear of cooties. I didn't want to call myself a feminist because I didn't want to even appear to buy into many of the assumptions that go along with this label. 

It's assumed that a feminist is both a political and social liberal.  I'm both occasionally but am neither equally often. Some fervid progressives that I've met here in Boston show the same rigidity of thought as fundamentalist Christians I met in Houston. Both groups have the same "us vs them" mentality that requires an unwavering acceptance of the party line. Both groups don't seem to be able to understand that it's possible for someone to selectively agree with them and still be a good person. I thought that calling myself a feminist would be swearing allegiance in some way to this rigid sort of thinking. Similarly, it's hard to call myself a feminist when the word has been hijacked by the younger women who are proud to call themselves sluts. I believe, as I imagine they do, that women should embrace their sexuality without guilt or shame. People should be free to love whomever they choose however they choose to do it provided it's between consenting adults. Being promiscuous, or a "slut" strikes me as more pitiful than empowering. Carrying on with multiple casual partners is unsafe since it increases the likelihood of STDs or unwanted pregnancies. I also see this as a sign of low self-esteem manifested as disrespect for one's body. It's not ok to bully someone who engages in this sort of behavior, but they need therapy or a new hobby, not a fist bump. 

Ironically, the existence of geek feminists almost convinced me never to label myself as a feminist of any kind. These ladies should be my people. They're largely well-educated lot who write code for a living and have an appreciation for zombies, nerdcore, and other geeky stuff. Again, I agree with geek feminists on a lot of issues. I think the trolling and mysogyny on the internet is disgusting and can cross the line into criminal behavior. I also think male geeks need more self awareness about when their behavior is creepy or awkward instead of funny. However, they remind me of the class tattletale in grade school. If people are being jerks, tell them to stop. If they won't, fight back, but do so in a manner that's effective and appropriate. Male geeks say disgusting and offensive stuff. It's an important and often harmless part of geek culture. Letting the majority of these comments slide means that silencing the blatantly unacceptable ones is more effective. One's voice is louder and stronger when it isn't raised often. This is equally true for geeks as for three year olds; the more often you yell, the louder you have to yell. I was proud of other female geeks when they helped shut down that board on Reddit which had pictures of violence and underage girls. It's always inspiring to hear about ladies that have used the law to go after men who make rape and death threats online. I lose my enthusiasm when I hear the same women decrying female objectification in video games or whining about the lack of political correctness in geek culture. It's gone entirely for every mention of how women in tech fields are marginalized and poorly treated. 

So why even bother calling myself a feminist? The simple answer is that I want the frog to grow up in a world where her gender doesn't define her choices and opportunities.  These choices are sadly starting now for her because mainstream kid culture comes in strict boy and girl catgories. I might disagree with the many-headed hydra notion of media, but I don't think the intensely gendered nature of kids' toys and movies is healthy. I believed (and even wrote a post about) that there should be some rigidity to how kids explore gender. Hearing "boys don't wear dresses" or "girls can't play trucks" come out of Ms Frog's mouth a few times was enough to make me reverse my stance on that issue. I believe that my daughter should be free to explore what being a girl means to her whether it's sparkly princess clothes, superheroes, or some mash-up of the two. Likewise, her friends who are boys should be allowed the freedom to figure out whether playing football, dolls, or both is what boys like them do. The implications of her choices will eventually broaden from what being a girl means to whom to love, what career to pursue, and whether to have children. These things are also influenced by gender in both a positive and negative way. Supporting the choices she will make as she grows and helping her navigate obstacles requires that I call myself a feminist. I'm not embracing ideas I disagree with in doing so, but am saying that I believe that women deserve a fair shake in this world. I think this is something any woman, and hopefully any mother of a daughter can get behind.